


The Bat Cheat

by woodpusher



Category: Batman (1966), Catwoman (Comics)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:00:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27033085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woodpusher/pseuds/woodpusher
Summary: I promised something before Batweek...I have to tweak this some andwanted to give you opportunities to critique.Batweek is October 24-31.www.batweek.orgwww.batcon.orgI have portrayed Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara as sex-crazed incompetents.This is not my view of the police force in general.The Eartha Kitt episodes are decidedly less romantic than the Julie Newmar episodes.I was going to put the Eartha Kitt episodes (featuring Batgirl) chronologically first, then have Batgirl retire, get married and have kids (Commissioner Gordon references his grandkids in "The Bat's Kow Tow.") but then it is claimed that Barbara is an only child away at college in "Batman's Waterloo." So that episode has to occur prior to any of the Batgirl episodes.I'll assume that the Eartha Kitt episodes occurred later and were intended to divert suspicion that Batman and Catwoman were secretly dating and that Batman and Robin were assisting her with her crimes.I further assume that Lee Meriwether, Julie Newmar, and Eartha Kitt were portraying the same person.Why is the episode called "Batman's Waterloo?" Nobody calls it "Wellington's Waterloo;" they call it "Napoleon's Waterloo." So yes, this is the episode where Catwoman brings Batman to the dark side.Lisa Carson is played by Lee Meriwether - I had previously overlooked this.Except that Lisa Carson isn't Lisa Carson - she's Selina Kyle.Edit:  An early draft has Batman saying,"My heart is pledged to a lady criminal.  If she ever rehabilitates, I'll ask her for her glove."https://tothebatpoles.libsyn.com/116-victor-buono-holy-ad-libbed-comedy
Relationships: Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 14
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ava_jamison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ava_jamison/gifts), [MarthaBug0192](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarthaBug0192/gifts), [TottPaula](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TottPaula/gifts), [Sineala](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sineala/gifts).



> I promised something before Batweek...I have to tweak this some and  
> wanted to give you opportunities to critique.
> 
> Batweek is October 24-31.  
> www.batweek.org  
> www.batcon.org
> 
> I have portrayed Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara as sex-crazed incompetents.  
> This is not my view of the police force in general.
> 
> The Eartha Kitt episodes are decidedly less romantic than the Julie Newmar episodes.  
> I was going to put the Eartha Kitt episodes (featuring Batgirl) chronologically first, then have Batgirl retire, get married and have kids (Commissioner Gordon references his grandkids in "The Bat's Kow Tow.") but then it is claimed that Barbara is an only child away at college in "Batman's Waterloo." So that episode has to occur prior to any of the Batgirl episodes.
> 
> I'll assume that the Eartha Kitt episodes occurred later and were intended to divert suspicion that Batman and Catwoman were secretly dating and that Batman and Robin were assisting her with her crimes.
> 
> I further assume that Lee Meriwether, Julie Newmar, and Eartha Kitt were portraying the same person.
> 
> Why is the episode called "Batman's Waterloo?" Nobody calls it "Wellington's Waterloo;" they call it "Napoleon's Waterloo." So yes, this is the episode where Catwoman brings Batman to the dark side.
> 
> Lisa Carson is played by Lee Meriwether - I had previously overlooked this.  
> Except that Lisa Carson isn't Lisa Carson - she's Selina Kyle.
> 
> Edit: An early draft has Batman saying,  
> "My heart is pledged to a lady criminal. If she ever rehabilitates, I'll ask her for her glove."  
> https://tothebatpoles.libsyn.com/116-victor-buono-holy-ad-libbed-comedy

============================================================

"Professor McElroy has had a relapse," Batman says to Catwoman.  
"Really? Any idea on what his scheme is?" she asks.  
"I think he's going to show up at the Egyptian ball," he says.  
"Your date, Lisa Carson - that's a nice picture of her in the paper," she says.  
"Yes, it is," he says.  
"You know, she could pass for my twin sister," she says.  
Batman takes another look at the picture. "You're right, she could."  
"Why don't I take her place?" Catwoman asks. "I'll get Felix to dress up like King Tut and Morris to be his henchman. We'll dope her up so she doesn't remember anything, then they can carry her away. I'll be at the ball and take her place."

"She's going as Cleopatra," he says. "If we dress you up as Cleopatra, I'll be surprised if anyone notices the difference."  
"Yes, I think I can pull it off," she says.

"One problem though -- I'll have to figure out how to get away from Robin, his date, and Aunt Harriet so we can make the exchange."  
"Why don't you show Lisa some of the artwork at the Wayne Foundation building? Tell the others you two would like to be alone for a few minutes. Felix and I can be waiting in the gallery."  
"That sounds good. We'll have to redo one of your hideouts with an Egyptian theme."

Batman, Catwoman, and her henchmen pull off the plan without a hitch. Batman and Catwoman (as Lisa Carson) meet back up with Aunt Harriet, Dick, and his date to enter the main ballroom.

After the fight but before the final scene of Batman's Waterloo, Selina Kyle (as Lisa Carson) says, "Robin dear, would you mine helping me pick up my father's money? I'll see that he gets it back."  
Robin says, "Sure thing, ma'am."  
Selina says, "Oh thank you very much."

Later on, Batman arrives at Catwoman's hideout and releases Lisa Carson. "Do you remember anything?" he asks.  
"Bruce Wayne had escorted me to the Egyptian ball. He went to show me some of his prized artwork, then it's all a blur after that," she says.  
"We've captured King Tut and most of his henchmen," said Batman. "You're free to go. I can take you home."

Then, in the final scene, the following night, Bruce and Selina have this exchange:

"All of us have alter egos..." says Selina.  
"True, so true," says Bruce.  
...  
"Milk and cookies, did you say?" says Bruce.  
"I made the cookies myself," says Selina.

Bruce and Selina sit down for milk and cookies.

"What was the haul? I haven't had time to count it."  
"Six million dollars," he says. "We might have lost some during the fight. Mr. Carson had written a check for two million and something but we can't bleed him completely dry," he says.  
"Purrfect," she says..."purrfect. It will be just right for our next caper."  
"Would you like a drop of honey on your cookie?"  
"Yes, please," he says.  
She seductively puts a drop of honey on a cookie and feeds it to him."

"I told Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara that one of the henchmen ran off with the money," he said. "King Tut doesn't remember anything."  
"Can we trust Robin yet?" she asks.[1]  
"No - he won't see my report to Gordon and O'Hara. We'll have to arrange for Robin to spend some time with you," he says. "I think you can win him over."

"Here's another cookie," she says, while dripping some honey on it. "I see my little drone would like to mate with the queen.""  
"Buzz, buzz," he says.

"Drones usually drop dead after sex," she says. "I'll take it easy on you."

The following morning, Selina says, "Now be a gentleman and call Lisa. Take her out on the town. Let her down easily as you practiced with me. You might even offer her a job with the Wayne Foundation. It's the least we could do after we swindled her father out of six million dollars. We might need her for a future mission," she says.

"Definitely," says Bruce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] "Batman's Waterloo" was shown after "That Darn Catwoman" and "Catwoman Goes To College" where I have shown Robin to have allied himself with Catwoman. I can see Dick's date being one of Catwoman's girls but I can't see Aunt Harriet crossing over to the dark side.


	2. Chapter 2

"Commissioner Gordon, Chief O'Hara – you can't book me just yet. You need to take me to the beauty parlor,” said Catwoman.

“Who are you to say what we can't do?” says the Chief.

“Chief, underneath my catgloves, I'm wearing my super sharp catclaws. They're sharp enough to cut glass. Gotham State Penitentiary lets them slide, but don't you think it's a bad idea in a prison atmosphere?”

“OK, you have a point,” says the Chief. 

“I'd say ten points,” says Catwoman.

So they take her to the beauty parlor. “What color do you like, Commissioner Gordon?”

“Color?”

“I usually get gold but if you've got another purr-ference, I'll get that.”

"I thought you were just getting your catclaws removed."

"Are you kidding? If I'm at a professional manicurist, I'm going to get a fresh manicure....and a pedicure...and a milk bath...and my hair done. Do you want me to report you to Mrs. Linseed?[1]"

“No, gold is fine.” 

“Fine Gold it is,” she said.

After several hours, she emerged with smooth-tipped acrylic nails, painted Fine Gold as requested by Commissioner Gordon. 

“Just the way you and the Chief like them!” she said. 

“Yes, very pretty....OK, now let's get you booked.”

“Hmm...Orange or stripes?” she asked.

“What?” 

“Well, the Gotham State Penitentiary lets me wear my civilian clothes, but that's a bad idea. I should wear stripes or orange like the rest of the prisoners.” 

“Don't they have prison garb for you there?”

“I suppose...the prison guards seem to like me in basic black though.” 

“I see.”

“You need to take me to the adult entertainment store. It's where I get my catsuits. Once again, orange or stripes?”

“Stripes,” says Chief O'Hara. “We Irish don't like orange.”

“Stripes it is,” she says. “Let's go.”

They go and get the new catsuit. 

“Before we go to the prison,” she says, “don't you want to see how it looks? Let's go back to headquarters.”

“Chief, are you up to that?”

“Sure, let's see how it looks.”

They go back to headquarters; Catwoman goes to the Commissioner's private office and changes, and then shows off in the outer office. “It's called 'The White Tigress,” says Catwoman.

“Oh yes, I see the resemblance.” 

Chief O'Hara says, “The guards at the prison have a point. I liked her in basic black better.” 

“OK, let's try it that way.” 

So she changes again. 

“I can't decide,” says the Commissioner. "Let me give it the touch test." 

“Ooh, doesn't that soft leather feel good? Give it a try, Chief O'Hara." 

“It does feel nice,” says the Chief.

“I've got another one in my bag of tricks. Let me change again.”

She goes into Gordon's private office and changes yet again....and emerges in a green catsuit with gold trim. 

“Chief O'Hara...now here's your Irish green....”

“I didn't know cats could be green.”

“This one is called the Vermont Catamount. It's not official school garb, but the colors are green and gold.”

“Catamount? I sure would like to mount a ca...”

“Chief O'Hara!” Catwoman yells at him and slaps him across the face. “You have a wife to go home to. So do you, Commissioner Gordon," and she slaps him as well. "Now go home and ...make them happy!”

When they were out in the parking lot, the commissioner says to the chief, "Weren't we supposed to book Catwoman?"

"Aye. I suppose she's long gone by now. We'll have to get her next time." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] Foreshadows "Nora Clavicle and the Ladies’ Crime Club." Nora and Catwoman wouldn't have seen eye to eye, but surely Mrs. Linseed had become a feminist well before that episode.


	3. Chapter 3

Some weeks later, Catwoman was watching television when regular programming was interrupted for Batman's wedding to Marsha, Queen of Diamonds.

"Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" [1] Catwoman said. "He asked her to marry him! Did she ever make it to Gotham City's Four Most Wanted? She's the Queen of Diamonds, but who is: The Marchioness of Misdemeanors, the Countess of Criminality, the Princess of Plunder, and the Queen of Criminals?

After Marsha surrenders, Batman shows up at Catwoman's hideout.

"Bruce, you have some nerve showing up here without a huge gift. What's this about you almost marrying Marsha, Queen of Diamonds? It was on local television."

"I did it to save Robin, Commissioner Gordon, and Chief O'Hara."

"Save Robin? Like my almost feeding him to the tigers wasn't good enough for you?" Nearly scorching him under a magnifying glass wasn't good enough for you?

Commissioner Gordon? Chief O'Hara? Those guys couldn't solve a crime if their careers depended on it. You have to solve the crime and subdue the villains; only then will O'Hara haul them away. Besides, those guys are both octopuses, octopodes, octopi, whatever you want to call them....

"Marsha put them under a spell with her love darts. She was going to hold them forever."

"Love darts? My goodness, Robin's a teenage boy; are you sure he's not playing you? I've already told you about Gordon and O'Hara."

"Um....I guess I'm not sure about Robin...or any of them."

"You give me a few days with that boy, and he'll be under my spell."

"I'm under your spell."

"You surely didn't act like it, but I'll find a girl especially for him. Now, what about you and Marsha? Does she make your bat wings flutter when she jabs you with her nails like I do? Does she make your cock crow like I do? Does she tie you up in a giant ball of yarn like I do?

"No."

What's in her love nest, a giant pack of cards? Diamonds? I can get diamonds in here if you want. Diamonds are a girl's best friend, but I thought you liked me tying you up in a giant ball of yarn. I thought you liked my leopard skin bed sheets.”

"I do."

"Well, Alfred had the right idea. You wouldn't have had this problem if you were already married. But your own Aunt Harriet with a fake identity?? And driving off with Alfred? Didn't you think someone would recognize him and you'd lose your secret identity?

"Hmm...Fortunately they didn't look at the documents too carefully. I needed Alfred to administer the antidote. I'm not sure that Gotham City will ever be ready for a Batman-Catwoman marriage.”

What about a Bruce Wayne-Selina Kyle marriage?

Possibly...maybe you should go on local TV and see if anyone recognizes you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] uttered by Jan Brady as "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"  
> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Wail of the Siren" was well before "Penguin Is A Girl's Best Friend," but it fits here.

After the events of "Wail of the Siren," Batman shows up at Catwoman's hideout. He waits and waits and waits. Finally he starts wrapping himself up in yarn, hopeful that Catwoman will arrive. It's not as tightly wound as when Catwoman does it.

She says, "So you like the Siren better than me. So much so that you signed away all your earthly possessions to her? And the only thing that saved you was Robin and Batgirl."

He says, "The siren's singing...had an effect on me."

She says, "It sounds like a screech."

He says, "It affects men differently than women. Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara were affected too."

She says,"Those two would fall for anything in a skirt. I think you might too. O'Hara probably threw himself in the lake just so Batgirl would rescue him."

"The SIren damaged her voice so she won't be a threat any more."

"I can sing better than she ever could."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Now what about you and Barbara Gordon?"

"The commissioner's trying to get her married off...preferably to high society."

"Now whom do you prefer - her or me? I thought you wanted to date me."

"You."

"In the interest of full disclosure, the last time you arrested me, I flirted with Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara all day long. At the end of the day, they didn't even charge me. They're a couple of octopuses, octopodes, octopi, whatever. You stay away from Barbara Gordon, and I'll stay away from Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara. Deal?"

"It's a deal."


	5. Chapter 5

After the events of "Penguin's Disastrous End," Catwoman says, "Again? You fooled around with Marsha, Queen of Diamonds, again???"

"It was just a brief scene in a movie, you know, a fictional movie."

"And you didn't enjoy any of it?"

"It was just a brief scene in a movie."

"Tell me all about it."

Batman tells the whole story of Penguin Is A Girl's Best Friend.

"Bruce! You're a fully deputized officer of the law. Penguin would love nothing more than to see you lose your badge, or worse, see you thrown in prison. You attack his cast just to get in his movie? That was taking a huge chance."

"Well, OK, I didn't really see the camera crew. I thought it really was an armed robbery. I didn't want Commissioner Gordon or Chief O'Hara to know I had made a mistake."

"Are you sure you didn't plead with Penguin to be in his movie so you could make out with Marsha?"

"No, no, that's not it at all.

"There was going to be a scene with Marsha taking a milk bath with nothing but her diamonds on. I alerted Aunt Harriet to it and she insisted that Penguin take it out."

"A milk bath! So she wasn't just stealing my man, she was stealing my beauty secrets too!"

"It's not a huge secret you like milk baths."

"Get to the bed. Grab onto the headboard. Stretch out."

No sooner had Batman laid down on the bed with his favorite leopard skin sheets did the bedframe - actually an attachment to the bedframe - snap - like a clam trap, but the jaws kept going. The lower jaw had pinned his arms against the bed, and the upper jaw pinned his legs.

"OK, my little flying mouse. Let's see you get out of this one." She starts to leave.

"What? No sex?" says Batman.

"Why buy the cat when you can get the pussy for free?" asks Catwoman.

Batman says, "Marry me."

Catwoman gets out her whip and says, "Beg!"

Batman says,"Marry me. When I get out of this trap I'll ask you properly."

Catwoman says,"That's better, my little flying mouse.",


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not clear that Catwoman actually sings. If so, it's not directly in "The Cat's Meow" or "The Bat's Kow Tow."

After the events of "The Bat's Kow Tow," Catwoman is out in a few weeks.  
"That was very clever misdirection. You had us thinking it was Penguin, Joker, or the Riddler. If you hadn't stolen Commissioner Gordon's voice, we might still be hunting for our first clue," said Batman.  
"The way I double-crossed Commissioner Gordon," she said, "I don't think he'll want to flirt with me again."  
"That's good," said Batman.  
"I think he learned his lesson. He and O'Hara didn't question my catclaws or my outfit'p."

"But Robin concerns me," she said. "He blew my cover when I was casing your joint..I mean Wayne Manor."  
"Oh?"  
"Yes - he needs to spend a few days at least - with me - maybe weeks."  
"We'll have to arrange that," said Batman.  
"What's playing at the drive-in?" asks Catwoman.  
"Let's see....how about 'What's New, Pussycat?'"  
"That sounds good...let's go."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not really a chapter - I was working on one but it was deleted. Yes, I should have been paying attention.
> 
> I was going to start fresh with a new story but I see someone subscribed to this one.
> 
> Ordinarily I do not like real person fiction. As MektiKwiiger observed, it's not much fun when the shoe is on   
> the other foot.

I came across these unfilmed scripts:

https://tothebatpoles.libsyn.com/089-fashions-in-crime-hard-boiled-batman-66  
https://tothebatpoles.libsyn.com/093-the-tale-of-the-cats-tale

The problem is that Chief O'Hara and Commissioner Gordon recognized Sleeping Beauty as Catwoman. In order for Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle to marry, they must convince the Commissioner and the Chief that Selina Kyle is not Catwoman.

On the one hand, the Chief and the Commissioner cannot tell the difference between Lee Meriwether, Julie Newmar, and Eartha Kitt.  
Although maybe the "real" Catwoman sort of resembles each one of them but they were the actresses available.  
The Chief and the Commissioner could not tell the difference between Catwoman and Miss Kitka.

The above scripts feature Catwoman disguised as Madame Moderne (in the Shaw script) and Madame Felice (in the Kandel script).

Batman and Robin do not realize at first that Madame Moderne/Felice is Catwoman (or if Batman does, he wants to be deceived)

It's not clear which Catwoman the script was intended for.  
Julie Newmar could do a Swedish voice (Ulla Bergstrom in The Beverly Hillbillies, apparently Katrin Sveg in Marriage-Go-Round (which I haven't seen)  
Eartha Kitt sang "C'est si bon" so maybe she could do a French accent better than Julie Newmar.  
It's not clear from the scripts whether Catwoman is posing as the editor of Damsel Magazine or if Damsel Magazine is one of her fronts.

I think it would be possible to put a skeleton key and a small gas canister in a cat's collar and train it to go to Catwoman. Some of the other things maybe not.

"Forgettable" perfume - of course I didn't like that idea - what else would she forget? King Tut forgot Bruce Wayne was Batman when he became Prof. McElroy - we'll never know if he would remember when he once again becomes King Tut. Commissioner Gordon was under the Siren's spell - when the spell was broken he forgot Bruce Wayne was Batman.

One idea I kicked around was for Bruce to make "Gotham City - The Movie," where he would throw a party and invite Lee Meriwether, Julie Newmar, Eartha Kitt, and let's say Lisa Carson and Adrienne Barbeau - only for the Chief and the Commissioner to realize that quite a few women could be Catwoman.


End file.
